Depersonalization Disorder & Me

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I don't really know when it started. It feels like it's been manifesting itself in me for my whole life. I can't actually remember ever recognizing myself in the mirror. I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, but instead of reacting with a panic attack, I just dissociate; I leave. When stressful situations begin, I "space out" and the audio around me is skewed, and it sounds like it isn't exactly there. It always feels like a horrible bad dream. I can't focus on what's right in front of me, my legs get heavy and it becomes difficult to walk. My eyes feel like they have to see everything and nothing all at once. If it starts when I'm around people, socializing during it can be difficult. Talking, even on the phone, forces me to cry. For a few years I felt like I was just going through the motions and the only way I could feel or feel better was to cut myself. Recently I have felt that I have gender dysphoria, or that I am transgender, and it has caused me a lot of stress. Each time I have a dissociative episode they get worse, I mean that I go "deeper in" and each time it takes less and less to trigger it. A few nights ago, my Dad kind of pissed me off, and I was upset because of dysphoria, and I went to take a walk. It was 33 degrees Fahrenheit outside (1 degrees Celsius). After a few minutes I started to dissociate. I wasn't upset anymore, but I wasn't happy either. I started to lose all of the things that make me myself. I didn't care about my hopes and dreams. I wanted to do drugs, which I never have in my life, in fact I've been afraid too. Actually, I wasn't afraid of anything. I stood almost in the woods during the night, not frightened at all like I would normally be. I pulled off my pants and peed on the ground, which I would never do, especially since I could have easily been seen. I also wasn't afraid to die. I stood in front of a median on a not very busy road, contemplating whether I should jump in front of a car. I thought the noise of the car on the wet pavement was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I lied on wet pavement, and still I could not feel the pain of being cold. If I wanted to do something, I simply did it. I went inside after 45 minutes, which I had been surprised at because my perception of time had been off, and I took a scalding hot shower with most of my clothes on. I do not like hot showers and I rarely take them, let alone a burning hot shower. I had to lay down because I couldn't stand without holding on to something. I could still feel no pain. I lied in my bad completely naked except for a ring and I listened to classical music which I do not like at all. The most absurd part of the ordeal was that I didn't want to leave that state of being. I liked not feeling. I liked it a lot. Now I'm just scared. I'm worried that it will happen again and I won't be able to stop myself from hurting or dying. I'm worried it will last forever. I hope this helps someone understand themselves better, because that's what I need even though I don't want to.

Love,
Noel