I'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired!
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Hello good people... I'm writing this as the last resort after a true hell of a year because, despite my and my family's and my therapists' best efforts, the things have only got worse, and I have fallen in deep depression and almost completely lost hope and will to live, but am still very afraid to try suicide and still have spark of hope that things can get better... To start with, I had a very interesting life, I had a lot of ups and downs but was very satisfied with myself and healthy, and was always enthusiastic and full of energy and will to overcome challenges. Than in 2014. I had a crises, which began with stomach problems following a depression, it was really bad for a short time, but this depression quickly got better and with time I felt better and better, and after that I had a very good year. At the end of 2015.I got stomach problems again, this time more severe (hiatal hernia), and I fell into mild depression because of that and confusion what I wanted to do with my life, but still I never gave up, I had great support of my girlfriend and friends (except my parents) and I could do some things that helped and soon things got better, and starting with summer I had probably the best time of my life, I improved myself and started fulfilling my potential, started having the life I was truly satisfied with and made progress in things I enjoyed doing, and was close to getting a job and moving away from my parents with my girlfriend...But than things started getting bad...First because I got into some bad company, and I started drinking alcohol almost every day and smoking weed, although I still took medicine (for stomach and a little dose of antidepressants, I still visited a psychotherapist), and that made me a little aggressive so I had some quarrels with my parents, friends and girlfriend, and felt a little worse again, so my therapist changed the therapy and gave me some sedative medicine...after that I felt a little better again, but soon, at the middle of December I started feeling down and had some moments of depression, which started increasing, mostly due to bad weather and these sedatives, which the doctor didn't think he should remove from my therapy, and it only got worse, so in the middle of January i felt really down and apathetic and started having suicidal thoughts (and my stomach problems got worse again). Only my parents and my girlfriend were there for me and knew how i really felt, I saw few friends but usually avoided going out with them because I changed and became scared and anxious of things I enjoyed doing before, mostly I watched TV and moves and walked in my place and slept a lot, and my therapist didn't help anymore so we decided to try a new one which helped my girlfriend's friend who was suicidal and in mental hospital...But, I couldn't get to him immediately, and I started thinking about death a lot in that period, and started feeling totally apathetic and hopeless so I started reading online how to kill myself and even planning to try that. Luckily, before I had the chance to try it, I visited that new therapist with my parents and when we all told him how I felt he said I should go to mental hospital nearby for a few weeks to have analysis done, and I was really scared but agreed to go as I had nothing more to lose. When I went there, I felt even worse because I was away from those few people who really loved me and thought and begged my parents to take me home when they would come to visit because I wanted to kill myself more than ever, but it was impossible, as the doctors didn't want to release me until I got better. I thought that it would never happen, but the therapy was changed and I started socializing with a few people there (and most of them were depressed so we had something in common), and after 3-4 weeks I felt a little better, I became a little more communicative and had some good moments and started feeling a little optimistic about the future again, and couldn't wait to be released to start with some activities that would get me out of depression, as I then felt as in 2014. thinking that I would feel better and better with time as I did than. But soon, when I left hospital, I felt similar for a month, didn't find any activities except yoga (I applied for volunteering in several organizations but none called me), and soon my stomach problems deteriorated, and I became more depressed again with suicidal thoughts. I went to a doctor for stomach, and felt a little better again soon because of some friends, girlfriend and some books I found online for overcoming depression, but as soon as the improvement and new hope came, I started feeling worse again - I became too sleepy and tired, even though I slept good and a lot during night, I felt sleepy again almost every day after a few hours of getting up and I had to nap 2 times a day which really affected my plans, and after some time it got even worse - I felt tired as I haven't slept at all, all the time no matter how much I slept. I went to a doctor, who sent me to all analysis and they were all good, so they assumed it was all due to my anxiety and depression. Me and my parents decided that i should change a therapist (I forgot to mention that I was really disappointed with the one my girlfriend recommended me, because he would only meet me for 10 minutes and didn't give me any advice and help at all, only changed the medicine I took), to start with the one that helped in 2014., and in the meantime to try with some vitamins, which really did help and for a few days I felt better...And than constant sleepiness returned, which led me to greater anxiety and even a mild nervous breakdown...After more than a week, again came a few days of improvement, in which I could even sing and rap (which was one of my occupations before this depression) and I walked a lot and rode a bike and felt satisfied and hopeful again because of that. But after a week, sleepiness came again, and it still lasts, even though I changed the doctor. At first I was really mad, I yelled and cried a lot in the mornings when I felt (and still feel) the worst, so sleepy I find it really hard to do even the simplest things as walking, and I started taking sedative medicine, which calmed me but didn't improve my sleepiness nor depression at all. To add up, my girlfriend, whom I truly loved and had the greatest moments with, left me, even though she said she would do everything to preserve our love, she didn't even remain my friend, only my parents, cousins and few friends are there for me, of whom only my mom and 1 friend understand (or at least try to) how I feel, the others only make me more nervous with their advice when I try to talk with them about me. And since the end of July, even though my doctor promised me improvement soon, nad gave me 2 new anti-depressives, nothing has changed, I feel bad all of the time, I sleep bad at night despite extreme sleepiness(some nights I can't even fall asleep), in the mornings I feel worse than when I go to bad, when I sleep for some more I feel a little better, but still sleepy and can't concentrate on things I liked doing and think clearly, the only things I can do are listening to music, watching movies and series, helping at housework and walking/riding a bike, and often I feel so sad when I think about my problems and feel pains that I don't feel like doing even that so I just stay in my bed. My stomach is also bad, I have a poor appetite, I'm very anxious, overthink a lot and my eyes hurt all the time (which is said to be because of my anxiety). The therapist said that I have to avoid sleeping during day, which is impossible to me, I tried my best and I have to sleep for 1-2 hours to be able to at least do something, and he said I have to start going to lectures at my college which start soon as that would help my depression, and my parents and cousins insist on that too, but I feel unable to study and to follow them, and don't feel like socializing especially with new people (as I became very quiet and aloof, so I don't know how to do that. I had so many plans and dreams, I have great potential, and this year I had done nothing I'm proud of and worth remembering, and I tried my best just because I had hope I can LIVE again, not just agonize, and I don't demand all the qualities I once had, I would be happy even if could be able to fulfill one of them, to succeed in one area and to able to enjoy at least some things, but I'm totally sick and tired of feeling this way, nothing starts and motivates me anymore and I have nothing to look forward to when I feel this way all the time, despite all our efforts and giving all our money to doctors and medicine (despite our very bad financial situation), and lately I've been seriously considering suicide, so my only way is to try to find some help on the internet, with you and at some other websites and forums, because I can't take this anymore! (And I don't want to go back to the hospital)
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