Lost but slowly being found

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Hello fellow derm friends,

My name is Erin. I am 25 years old and currently living in Rhode Island (the smallest state in the US!). I've been a picker for as long as I've had acne, which started around 7th or 8th grade, so about 12 years now. I pick every single day. The main area of my body that I pick is my face, however I also pick at my scalp, my eyebrows, and other scabs or imperfections on my body (back, chest, etc., etc.). But mainly, I just pick at my face where my acne is/was. See, I still get pimples, but when you look at my face, there are no whiteheads or blackheads, and that's because AS SOON as I feel a pimple forming I pick at it. I pick until I bleed. I pick until my face is red with sores and scars. You can see from the attached images what my face looks like without makeup. Although not diagnosed yet, (I have my very first appointment with a psychiatrist next week), I have anxiety and depression disorder. It's taken me years to admit, and years to realize this. I am not ashamed. I am not afraid to tell a random person or friend that I have anxiety and depression. What I have been worried about forever though, is people seeing my underneath my makeup. People seeing my scars and my freshly picked face. Although I still care, that worry has started to diminish over the (literal) last 2 weeks, due to me finding out more information on dermatillomania, joining a Facebook support group, and finally coming to terms with this disorder that I have. Dermotillomania. Am I even pronouncing that correctly? Who knows. But i've been so open to learning more about it, and seeing how I'm not alone has helped so much with me accepting this disorder, and has helped so much with me finally reaching out for help. I think what's also helped is my best friend. I just started living with her in September. We weren't even friends actually, before moving in. She was a coworker of mine, and all I knew we had in common was that we were both from Pennsylvania and both liked the same NHL hockey team (LETS GO PENS!). Other than my family, she is the ONLY person that has seen my without makeup. And has she ever said a word about my scars? No. Has she given me weird looks when I walk around with no makeup? No. Does she yell at me and get disgusted by me picking? No. She loves and accepts me for me. She calls me beautiful and tells me that there is more to me than that. That that's not what everyone sees. That my smile lights up a room. And to hear these things from someone I didn't even know a year ago is so reassuring and comforting. See, I used to always think this was just a bad habit that I couldn't overcome. "Stop picking!" "You're going to have scars!" "You're ruining your face!" I've heard these over and over, time and time again. My mother would scream at me. My family would judge me. Yes they love me, they have to. Yes they want the best for me. Yes they accept me for me. But they just don't get it. People that don't understand Derm just don't get it. That is why spreading awareness on this disorder needs to happen. I digress, but I just cannot stop picking. I've been depressed for some time now, but these last few months have been really rough for me, not just because of my dermatillomania but because of personal issues. I'm undecided career wise, and have been for years. I have no passion, and i'm still trying to figure out what it is that really interests me. I do not like my jobs, but I don't where to look next. I am going through heartache, I live far away from family, I have few friends, but one great one and that's all I need. I have no hobbies. I feel like the most boring person. I feel like I add no value to myself and others. I feel stuck. I feel confused. I feel useless. I feel unimportant. I feel lost. I am lost. My picking has gotten to the worst point it's ever been. I have reached the point where I no longer have just scars and pimples, but wounds on my face. I wake up, go to do my makeup, but instead pick at my face for 15 min, sometimes 30 min, sometimes even an hour. I'm late to work everyday and avoid going out in public and hanging out with friends. The one good thing about my anxiety/depression being at the worst it's ever been is that I've finally come to terms with it. I've finally come to terms with me having dermatillomania. Now, it's a matter of trying to stop. I can't imagine not picking at my face. I love the calming feeling it gives me. I love the release of a pimple. I love the feeling of picking off a scab. I love the stress relief and soothing feeling that I get from picking. What I hate is how I look after. What I hate is that I am RUINING my body. I know the first step in fixing all of this is going to see someone. Going to get help. Picking up these pieces of my broken life is not easy. But I am trying to start by admitting to my faults and flaws. I'm not perfect. No one is. And in order for me to accept this, I realize I need help. It's okay to ask for help sometimes. We all need it. And me being able to admit this is something that I'm starting to feel proud of. I am finally going to receive help. I am taking the steps in the right direction and I'm starting to feel hopeful. I have never, ever taken a picture of my face like this before. I have never, ever shown anyone what my face looks like underneath the layers of makeup. But, these scars are me. These wounds are me. This is me. Although I'm no where near happy with how I look, I've realized that this is a serious problem, and not some small bad habit that can be fixed overnight. I need help, and I'm finally not afraid to admit it. I hope we can all come together and support each other through these hard times. We are all unique and beautiful. We can get through this fight and we will. One day at a time. Love from RI and the U.S.! Please, please, please feel free to reach out to me or talk to me if you are feeling lonely and need someone to talk to. I am a stranger, but I will listen. I am here and I hope that we all can be here for one another. We need it. So let's get to it! xoxo

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[Image may contain: 1 person, closeup]

[Image may contain: 1 person, closeup]

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(me with lots of makeup!)