Story about Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder .

PMDD / pre menstrual psychosis (Same thing)

Apr 18, 2016

By: Tiffany


My life has been torn apart from PMDD. I have recently come out of homelessness from it and trying to get back on my feet so I can take care of my 7 year old on my own. I can barely function and I am running out of options. I’ve tried every single antidepressant / mood stabilizer / birth control etc you can think of and nothing is working. The only thing that helped a lot was being on the Nuva Ring birth control for the past 5 years. It is no longer working like it use to (though it still wasn’t completely effective even when it WAS working). I’m getting to where I’m considering a hysterechtomy – if I can even pull that off somehow on the lame minimal state health insurance I’m on, plus somehow coordinating help out of thin air as I have little support systems in place. I don’t want to keep living like this. I would have killed myself already if it hadn’t been for my son here needing me- though when the depression hits hard enough several days before I menstruate, I have very convincing thoughts that he would be better off without me. I know this is not true, but it those moments I do not. I am afraid I will eventually give in and end it all one day. I’m tired and weary and angry and alone. I can barely afford the rent at a place that a housing program has provided for me and my son. The rent is going to continue to increase slowly and I need to be able to function and work to keep a roof over our heads. I can’t waste any more money on stupid useless supplements that don’t work. I can, however, see myself being able to afford this program if it actually works (I am highly doubtful it will.. but perhaps I am just being unhopeful after all the failed attempts at fixing this). If you thin k you’re program can help me, POSSIBLY, .. would you be willing to take a risk on me and allow me to try these supplements / diet recommendations etc… ? I have NO problem paying it back if it works. I just don’t have the money for it right now and I need help. I don’t know how many people have asked you already for a free trial. I would be more than willing to help you document my case and be an advocate for this product if it really works. I am an amazing person with talents that are being wasted as I tread water constantly from this hell. I started a blog a few months ago.. its very unorganized- only one entry..and has a lot of cursing throughout, but it might help show the bigger picture of what I’ve had to endure. I’ll cut and paste it below, or you can view it down after this email. I pray you can help me.

https://premenstrualpsychosis.wordpress.com/

 

 

https://premenstrualpsychosis.wordpress.com/2015/11/27/35-and-somehow-still-alive/

https://premenstrualpsychosis.wordpress.com/2015/11/27/35-and-somehow-still-alive/ https://premenstrualpsychosis.wordpress.com/author/premenstrualpsychosis/https://premenstrualpsychosis.wordpress.com/2015/11/27/35-and-somehow-still-alive/#respondhttps://wordpress.com/post/premenstrualpsychosis.wordpress.com/5

This is my first post, on my first blog..I think that’s what this thing is. I’ve made it 12,863 days on this planet, but I’m not really sure how. The stats of women living with menstrual psychosis offing themselves make me wonder how much longer I have.

The idea of suicide never made sense to me until I hit my 20’s after about 6 years of progressively difficult “PMDD” (or that’s what I thought it was) starting at 15. I had never experienced true depression… the kind that made ending your life look like a reasonable solution until I got out of college. But I felt different, afraid, depressed, anxious and “manic” once a month since high school in1995. That’s when it started. For years, I had envied all the other girls who had “blossomed” while I fumbled around awkwardly as a late bloomer. What a blessing that was. I had no idea I would begin battling in a war for my sanity at the onset of womanhood.

Today is Thanksgiving and blah blah.. I’m thankful to be alive. But I’m tired and worried I will become another statistic. My brother just had a dream I was gone, in the same way my mom was (she died 8 years ago at 63) and contacted me out of the blue today after not talking to him for a few years to say: “Just checking in to let you know you are loved. My dreams were of me opening photo albums at different peoples houses and seeing pictures of you. Then I had to leave the room because I began to cry. Felt as if you had past away. A very similar feeling of mom. I never know what it is I just know I am to check up on you.” WTF!! I believe in premonitions and that he has a gift. And now I’m fucking worried. I had just spent the last 3 days contemplating suicide, but had gone to the hospital (after deliberating back and forth with myself in my head, angry at everything in my sight, bombarded with what seemed like a movie of horrible messages telling me I will never get better, I will only get worse, and being dead was the only solution to this every 28 day torture that I have been fucking around with for almost 20 years now). Thank God I didn’t have to check myself in, in order to get some relief this time around. The ER doc hooked me up with mental health agency across the street from the hospital who got me an appointment the next morning with a really well versed primary care doctor who SOMEHOW knew about psych meds and got me what I needed to calm me the freak down. But I know that is only a temporary solution. I’ve taken bipolar medication since 2000 and it doesn’t freaking work on your hormones. It’s a band-aid, but if it keeps me from dying, I guess it’s better than nothing. Anyhow, in the past, I have blown off my brother’s premonitions and advice; angry with him for shit that got in the way of what use to be the most valuable relationship to me in the universe ie: parents’ divorce, living on 2 opposite sides of the country, huge age gap etc… I know better now and that this is serious. My life has been on a horrible path since I had my first (ONLY) child. The pregnancy alone was HELL. I had NO fucking idea postpartum depression was going to be worse than the depression I had while carrying my son. But then even WORSE came the most insane paranoid filled anxiety mania depression I had EVER experienced in my life when I started having my menstrual cycles again. For the first time, the suicide thoughts clustered all around me, closer in front of my eyes they had ever been. I started admitting to people around me, I was actually experiencing suicidal idealization/ ideation? etc. I spent the next 2 years trying to treat my depression / anxiety and “mania” with psych meds like I always had in the past. But now they didn’t work the same. Finally after checking myself into a mental institution for the first time in my life (1 day before starting my period OF COURSE).. I went to an OB/GYN for help. She put me on the Nuva-ring for menstrual suppression and it helped a lot… still not all the way.. but at least I wasn’t wanting to kill myself every 28 days anymore. For almost 5 years now I’ve been on the Nuva-ring, though I did take a break from it and tried the depo-provera shot and almost went completely insane for 3 months until it finally wore off. The nuva-ring has helped a lot, but not enough, and 3 days ago was when it didn’t help AT ALL. I totally lost it, short term memory didn’t work, I smoked CBD weed (legal where I live), took benadryl, camomille tea, and nothing could keep up with the fear, paranoia, anger, rage, and depression all at once. That’s what got me a trip to the ER. This shit is EMBARRASSING and HARD to admit. So I’m keeping this blog anonymous. But I’m starting it because I don’t know how much longer I have. How many more crazy ass days I can handle. Each time these episodes hit hard, they get worse. How many times can you get knocked down by increasingly higher heavier waves before you fucking drown. If I end it all one day, I’m sorry. But the severity of this hell I’ve been fighting against is getting out of hand and I at least want people to know out there that they are not alone and that wanting to die is fucking understandable. I hope I never do this. But I don’t see things getting better. Only worse. I know there is help out there and answers that we haven’t found yet to this so I will hold on as long as I can and hope that anyone out there struggling with this demonic shit knows that there are other people just like them trying to solve this and understand how fucked up it is to live like this. For now, I’m gonna sign off. Welcome to my journey. Hopefully it ends well. -T

 

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