Depersonalization Disorder
Derealization
In July, I had a panic attack that lasted 3 days. My boyfriend has a problem with anger, to the point where he lets it build up until he dissociates completely. He has never hit me nor yelled at me, but I've watched him break his hand multiple times from punching inanimate objects.
So I've struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, so something like a 3 day panic attack isn't new. Dissociation is common with my anxiety, so when I did dissociate I knew it would eventually go away. The difference is, is this time, it didn't. It turned into something worse.
For the past two months it feels like I'm not connected to anything. Like nothing thats happening is actually real. Its hard for me to differentiate my dreams from reality. I don't know how to experience emotions or talk to others anymore. Its like no matter what I do I can't understand whats going on around me, all of it feels so foreign.
So a month ago my doctor put me on a low dosage of Xanax (0.5mg). Its helped, but only for as long as the medication lasts. It helps at least slow my thoughts down. But on a Monday, he put me on Lexapro (20mg), and I had one of the worst experiences of my life. It felt like I had taken bad MDMA. Sweating, tremors, nausea, heart palpitations, etc. This was on August 13th and it made everything substantially worse. He put me back on the Xanax, thank God, but it feels as if every panic attack I get is going to send me into a downward spiral of derealization that I'm never going to get out of.
It feels like this is going to last forever. I'm missing out with friends because when i see them, it feels like i dont know them. But i know I do. The only people i can recognize daily are my family and my boyfriend. Everyone else is a stranger I somehow know. I struggle with eating because easy concepts like that are so foreign to me. I can't even go to work without feeling like i might just lose my mind at any second. Everything feels like a simulation, like a dream. It's getting easier to cope with day by day but I feel like its never truly going to go away.
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