A Arnold Chiari story

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I unfortunately have not been blessed with optimum health in my life.  Where I am today started as a baby. Not long form being home from the hospital. I had an occurrence of what doctors call sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). My guardian Angel was watching me that day and tapped my mother on her shoulder with urgency to go check on me. My mom Janet . Ran up the stairs to find me not breathing and blue. She called 911 and did CPR and rescue breathing and saved my life. This is a moment that started a lot of questions.

 

I grew up with a lot of struggles in school. These troubles surrounded memory. Short term memory. Well short term memory is a huge key to be successful in academia. I also had a range of strange bouts of random autoimmune disorders that popped up time to time. I had a period of six months where I had to wear a helmet because I had a condition called ITP. My own body was attacking itself. Eventually it resolved on its own. I also had headaches that I thought were normal. My best heathy years were mid middle school till I got pregnant with my daughter Hailey when I was 23. Her pregnancy was pretty uneventful for one exception. At 24 weeks I took a fall right on my belly. I had major pain and contractions. I was sent to the hospital and was watched for two days and sent home. At 32 1/2 weeks my water broke. She was way too early and labor was coming no matter what they did. This was also the start of my lack of trust in Doctors. Many women know when you get to the hospital they smack on those monitors on your belly immediately to see whats going on. Well... I will try to shorten this the best I can. I was giving Meds to help prepare Hailey's lungs for the world. I was in labor and given an epidural as requested. (Remember this epidural for way later in the story.) at some point the doctors felt I was no longer in labor despite my symptoms and they chose to trust the monitor. The doctors without my permission turned off my epidural for the rest of my labor. Apparently I was lying about being in labor and feeling contractions. Well starting in the middle of labor with great amount of pain due to them turning off my epidural I was not able to grow with the pain. It was incredibly painful and shocking for my first experience of labor. They did not want to do physical check for the risk of infection to the baby with no bag of waters. Long story short they told me I was faking labor and told me to go home. Things got really bad because they believed the machine was accurate over a patient telling them that you are having contractions. I progressed the rest in the hospital and when she crowned they all freaked out. Obviously the machines were not working. She came out and was taken to the NICU. Hailey spent just under a month in the hospital due to being a premie and not having the skill set of suck,swallow, breath. You have to do that to eat. She had to learn to eat. She was 4pd and 10oz.

 

Not long after Hailey's birth I started to experience a lot of neurological issues. Balance issues, shaking, loss of memory. I went to the doctor with these complaints and I was brushed off and told I have depression,anxiety and to take these Meds and that I would be fine. Nope, nope, nope. Things got so bad I couldn't hold my own baby. So I took matters into my own hands and GOOGLED it. I came up with two diagnoses. One MS. Or thyroid disorder. I went to my doctors with these findings and was given a choice. " we will only do testing for one. We will not do all this testing because we believe you are suffering from anxiety and depression." At this point I had asked to see my recent blood work. I found that I had a "borderline" thyroid test. It was just shy of their concern. So this is what I based my decision off of to have my thyroid checked. I hit it right on the money and was right. My whole left side of my thyroid was not working and I had three nodules quarter size and many in nickel , and penny and pea size. Next step I had to have the nodules checked make sure they were non cancerous. Very painful procedure. The tests came back negative but I would have to come in every three months for a year, and then every six months for two years and then once a year there after, to test to make sure the noduals did not turn to cancer. At this point I opted to have it completely removed to ovoid cancer.  Thyroid surgery is a very delicate procedure . Inside your thyroid are glands that are like raisins. Imagine raisin bread. Your thyroid is the bread part and the glands are the raisins.so surgery is long and tedious to try not to touch those raisin type glands. These little raisins if they get disturbed during surgery they stop working for a while and need recovery time. With out them the calcium in your body is not distributed properly. Well for some reason the doctor and hospital thought they could discharge me from the hospital with out checking my calcium levels. I was sent home. During three/ four days after the surgery those nights at home were scary. The next morning I was really sick. My husband was taking me to my doctor when in the car I crashed out. He said my body went rigid and was unresponsive. He called 911 on the way to the hospital. I was "moments away from having a heart attack because of having the lowest amount of calcium they had ever seen." I was told if I'm remembering this correctly it was .001   . So as you can see my distrust in doctors has been proven to me now with just these two instances.

 

My next heath occurrence was a year or two later. I went to the er with what I thought was heart burn from hell. Nope nope nope. Gallbladder. I had an ultrasound done and I was told to go home and schedule with my PCP for surgery to remove my gallbladder . My husband and I were reluctant to leave and told the doctor that was unacceptable because the medication would wear off and the pain would be exactly the same. The doctor told us " just because you are here does not mean you get what you want. If everyone got what they want we would not have the heath care system that we have today in America ". Whatever all that means I don't know. We were handed my discharge papers and told to leave. Well went home and in less then six hour I was back in the er. When we showed back up in the er the chief of surgery was standing their and said " oh I'm so glad you came back. You should have never been sent home. You have a stone stuck in your duct." Off to surgery I went. With this surgery the complication I ended up getting was the incision above my belly button decided to open up. It was a large gaping hole that had to fill from the bottom up. My skin was not healing properly and this is why it happened. They did not stitch the outside skin and used glue. This is what happens when you have a connective tissue disorder.

 

After all my trials we had some down time and thought it was good timing to shoot for another child. During this time I had two seven week miscarries and one 12 week miscarry. This was devastating . We lost our babies. And the last one Heart was the hardest. When I started bleeding with baby Heart we went to the er. They confirmed our worst fears and told me to go home and let him pass though or schedule with my PCP for removal called a DNC. Once again I was shocked . I was bleeding really bad and they wanted to send me home. We voiced our dissatisfaction and got no where. As they handed me discharge papers and my husband helping me up I all of a sudden felt strange. Something was wrong and my vision was going black. The nurse slapped me back down on the bed and my feet went in the air and my head was down. That was the last thing I remember until I woke up in the recovery room. I spent two three days in the hospital and then went home. We thought having another child was not going to be in our cards. 

 

Flash forward to May of 2010. I was pregnant with baby Heart during this time.I was experiencing more headaches then normal and called my doctors office because it was to the point where I started to think that these are headaches that no one else experiences but me. AT this point in my life I almost never went to the doctor or called for anything unless it was for the baby. Well, I couldn't take the headaches anymore. When I called my doctors office I spoke with a nurse and she was the first person I had ever experienced actually listening. I was telling her my symptoms and she did not treat me like i was crazy ,or treat me like I'm having anxiety issues or I'm depressed or " its all in my head" or that Im lying.  She promptly told me to go to the er and tell them I needed an MRI of my head. I did.

 

At the er in may 2010. I had to explain myself over and over and over again. This doctor told me he would not do and MRI  because they take a long time and reserved for people with "real problems" once again "you are having anxiety, depressed, "it all in your head". He went on to lecture me about how I "should move to Arizona that they are even dryer then Colorado" . I was in complete disbelief that this doctor though me moving to Arizona would fix my problem of chronic sinusitis. Which I have sinus problem sometimes but not always. I kept thinking "is this guy for real? " . My mom Janet was here with me and she said to the doctor "what about doing a CAT scan instead ". It would be faster and give some kind of info and would not risk more serious cases coming into the er and needing the only MRI machine they have. I find it hard to believe that a hospital would only have one MRI machine. My mom and I though that was a good enough solution. The doctor FINALLY and reluctantly agreed and and said " if thats what its going to take to get you out the door then FINE." "What the hell" my mother and I are thinking. They take me to go get it done and my husband gets to hospital at this point. Were all sitting in my room and the doctor comes in. He looks weird . His face is of shock and disbelief .

 

"Well you get your wish! " the doctor was snarkie with his tone. I never got an apology . My CAT came back positive for a problem. So now I went in for the MRI. It came back positive for a condition called Arnold Chiari (KEY-ARE-EE) Malformation. I was handed a paper with a description of Chiari and told to see a Nero Surgeon and gave me a very brief explanation and sent us on our way.

 

That night and morning I was just in shock and disbelief. So I had to scheduled an appointment to find out what was going on. We met with a neurosurgeon. He simply explained that I needed a surgery to give my brain the space and flow it needed. 

Chiari Malformation Type I (CM) is a neurological disorder where part of the brain, the cerebellum (or more specifically the cerebellar tonsils), descends out of the skull into the spinal area through the Foramen Magnum. This results in compression of parts of the brain and brain stem and spinal cord, and disrupts the normal flow of cerebrospinal fluid (a clear fluid which bathes the brain and spinal cord).This would entail a long incision on the back of my skull where they would separate my muscles and then proceed to shave down the bone in the bottom of my skull. The bottom portion of the skull where the hole is called the Foramen Magnum.  Then they would also shave down the top vertebrae first and second to give my brain stem more room. Then the dura overlying the cerebellar tonsils is opened and a patch is sewn to expand the space, similar to letting out the waistband on a pair of pants. After talking with this surgeon in great length it hit me that this is BRAIN SURGERY. The doctor would never use those words to describe what he wanted to do to me. This was also presented to me as a cure for my headache problems. One, with my knowledge I have today that chiari surgery is NOT A CURE. Two, this surgery has high rates of complications. Three, this is BRAIN SURGERY ! The only thing that chiari surgery gets you is hopefully more time. Damage has already been done to the brain stem and cannot be fixed.  The brainstem is an extremely important part of the brain, as the nerve connections from the motor and sensory systems of the cortex pass through it to communicate with the peripheral nervous system. The brainstem also coordinates in the regulation of cardiac and respiratory function, consciousness, and the sleep cycle. The doctor proceeded to tell me that I had to have this surgery done immediately because of the damage being done. I said to him" I don't do well in surgery." "I always have complications" he rolled his eyes and told me it would be fine. Jason and I went home and talked.

 

I felt and Jason felt this was way to big of a deal for how they were presenting this as "its no big deal". I ultimately felt that I was still mainly functional and did not think it was necessary at that time. Well I got five months. Five short months.

 

I never thought i would get a few months over what we thought would be years. In late September 2010 I got really sick with a nasty bug. On top of my annual fall allergies. Any added pressure to a head that has chiari is really bad. Well this bug added on vomiting and diarrhea. Even more pressure added to my chiari and allergy head. Those two things put together was enough to push me to a point of no return. I was adamant about not having this surgery because I did not think i would survive it. Three days in a row I went in and out of three hospitals to get control on this consistent headache from hell. It just needed to stop. It feels as if your head is going to literally explode. Its not a headache really. Its as if you fill a water ballon to its breaking point and expect it not to pop. It was so bad all you want it to do was stop. So bad I said I wanted a gun to make it stop. And I did not say that because I wanted to die. The last hospital I went to was the one I knew my neurosurgeon was at. I knew it was time. I was taken in for emergency surgery. My brain was suctioned through the Foramen Magnum. Preventing any flow.

 

This is where I tell my story from what my family has told me and from what I can remember. I had my first surgery and was sent home. I was home less then 12 hours when the medication made me have nausea . I threw up heard a pop and felt the pop and instant pain in the back of my head. I was back to the hospital. My dura had popped open allowing CSF to come out. They watched me for a while hoping the spinal fluid would stop leaking. It didn't. My second surgery was an attempt to stop the leaking to repair the dura. It was short lived and I got worse. During this time I developed Pulmonary Embolism (P.E.) in my lungs. Apparently this was the worst case anyone had seen. My films of the P.E. Looked like an extreme case of chicken pox on my lungs. My dad said I was in and out of ICU 13-15 times during my 3month stay. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.) now. Certain things are triggers for me. One of the biggest ones is #1 hospital soap, Hallways, machines dinging and alarm bells. And one really specific hospital. This is the hospital I will be having my fifth surgery. They recently renovated this hospital and I really hope things will look differently. My third surgery was at this point in attempt to save my life . The CSF leak and the embolism were too much for my body. They place a VP shunt in my head. Doing this would take the pressure of the dura and allow it to heal so I would not leak anymore CSF. (Cerebral spinal fluid.) With all this fluid pushing its way out. It had only one way out. Through my incision. Between the first and second surgery they stitched up the bottom of my head so many times over and over and over to attempt to keep the fluid in. The stitches just kept popping. Sometime after my shunt placement the incision site on the back of my head was open for so long because of the continuing leak problem, I ended up developing an infection. I think it was staff. They tried lots of medications and one almost took my life. Back to ICU. I had already been in and out of ICU so many times At this time is was thanksgiving day 2010. I was going to die. Sometime previous I don't know if a week or two or three weeks my last rights were given to me. That thanksgiving I went in for my fourth surgery. It was to clean out the incision site on the back of my neck in hopes to get rid of the infection. My dad has always told me that people don't die just because of one set back. Its when they all gang up on you and your in the deep end of the pool. One person climbing on you is survivable. Two ,three, a gang of people climbing on you and you will drown. I was drowning. I was dying and I knew it. I spoke of it after my second surgery. The fourth surgery went even more wrong and my family felt even more helpless. I remember a brief moment of being in an ambulance. My family asked for a second opinion and I was transferred to another hospital. This is where I tell you all to make sure you have someone or two or three people to be your advocate for you when you cant for yourself. Your advocate needs to have a backbone and not be afraid to get in a nurse,doctors face if they believe your care is not the best or things being done in a timely manner. My family told them they wanted a second opinion almost to late. Also Charge nurses are the managers of the floor. These are nurses who can get things going. Doctors and nurses are human . Doctors and nurses make mistakes too. 

 

My transfer to another hospital was the first right step to my survival. I was put into ICU. The doctors and nurses got a handle on my Pulmonary Embolisms (P.E.)  first step. Second proper Meds for the infection. Third the biggest key, Nutrition. I don't think I had any food starting after my second surgery . I had no nutrition to re build my body after the surgeries. After getting out of ICU for the last time they placed a feeding tube. I was so far gone my body was shut down and i was incapable of eating. This took along time to "learn how to eat again". Its a very hard to want to eat but have no drive/desire to do so. The smell and thought of food was seemingly repulsing. To get your body just to flip that switch is hard. One day the doctor told my husband to go get me something I would normally loved to eat. He did. Want to know what it was? Because this one food did an amazing thing. My dad said he came in to see me and it was after eating a Chipotle burrito. He said " I knew she was going to be ok. I could see the light in her eyes" . After the switch got flipped I still had a long road to recovery. Lots of pain, hurt, sorrow. The I cant, the lonely and scary nights with all the time in the world to think about all that went down. I was ready to go home to god. Why didn't he take me home? I was ready. I had no fight left. Now I was a shell of myself. I lost myself. After my three months in the hospital I still had a long road to recovery at home. I now am hypersensitive to pain and also have fibromyalgia.

 

After coming home I did not want to be on warfarin (blood thinners) my whole life. The blood thinners were because of the Pulmanary embolisms I got in the hospital. Blood thinners make you cold all the time. You also just in general feel frail. So they told me I needed to do a blood test to make sure it was safe for me coming off the warfarin. I had to be off of it for three months to do the test. They really did not want me to be off  my warfarin those three months because I would be at high risk to throw more clots. I felt I got the Pulmonary Embolism (P.E.) because of the situation of my hospital stay. So no way I wanted to be on it for life if I dont have to. So I went off the medication for the three months and did the test. I got a call two hours after doing the test. I was told to immediately to take a dose. I went in to see the oncology doctor and Hematologist. I will never get to be off blood thinners because I have another disorder called factor 8. This is a blood disorder that makes my blood really thick and likes to produce clots. This is also a genetic disorder passed down through family. I recently got confirmation for my dad that he does have it. My children and my brother and his children will eventually be tested for this as well.

 

 After being home from the hospital jason and I had a moment that god had other plans for me. My husband and I were intimate for the first time since my whole ordeal. We used many forms of protection. After four weeks I had an inkling I was pregnant . I called my doctor immediately and they changed some of my medications. I was pregnant. I could not believe this was happening. At first thought how could this happen? Im still recovering. No way I could handle this now. After all the initial worry of all that was....., we just took it day by day. After the twelve week mark of pregnancy we felt we could breath. Roberts pregnancy was hard. I had other auto immune disorders pop up. I will keep that short and just say I had a few more hospital stays during my pregnancy.

 

Roberts birth. I knew it would not go smoothly. We tried planning and planning. But my insurance doesn't have doctors that come when you go into labor. You simply get who you get when it happens. So all we could do was make a good padded medical history chart and hope for the best. As my first pregnancy I had an epidural but I did not know I had chiari. So that means no pushing and no epidural. The plan did entail having a c-section. Having chiari you are not to push and not to have an epidural. Having an epidural can cause chiari to worsen by sucking the brain further down the Foramen Magnum. So this all meant. I had to go under general anesthesia. I would not get to be awake for the birth of our last child. This pregnancy was so hard because of the condition of my body was in. With all the the other health problems I felt it would be best if they tie my tubes because I could not handle another pregnancy. This is the same hospital all the brain surgeries was at. Its a religious hospital . My doctor had to prove that another pregnancy would be detrimental to my heath. He put his career in question doing this procedure for me at this hospital and the doctor who ultimately did the procedures as well. Robert did well. He went to NICU for three days before he was released. He was born at 35 weeks at 5pd 10oz one whole pound more then Hailey. I barely remember a nurse coming into my recovery room she let me kiss Robert . This is all that know from the end of this bout. I wake up in ICU. Jason tells me that I wasn't waking up after surgery. I wasn't responding after surgery so they figured out I was bleeding. They had to go back in. They found a burst artery. I bleed out quite a bit and needed a blood transfusion. Just before I went to surgery for the initial c section they had me sign all these papers including one for blood transfusion. I did not want to give permission for this. I wanted it to be my time if that were to happen. Jason got mad at me and told me no. After some discussion I signed yes. Turned out it was needed. 

 

Time is all you need. This was the doctors philosophy on my recovery from everything. At times I think to myself, did all this really happen in my life? Why? I look to God for answers. Its not always clear but I think I know now. I have started a chiari support group on facebook. I have one specifically for Colorado, (Colorado For Chiari ) and Chiari Gives Back. Here I have found some purpose in helping others get through it. And the beautiful gift god gave us. Robert my son. 

 

After all of this I started to develop a seizure condition. I went without driving for over a year. I was put on horrible medications. And I was a zombie. But non of the Meds kept my seizures away. This is because they misdiagnosed me for over a year. Turns out i have a seizure condition stemming from my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.) And high stress. Its called Psychogenic nonepileptic seizures (P.N.E.S.) OR non-epileptic attacks disorder (N.E.A.D.) . With proper diagnosis I was able to get the help I needed and start to understand my triggers that would cause these seizures. I still have seizure but they are well controlled with trying to avoid my triggers. 

 

Last year I needed to have a total hysterectomy. We did a lot of planning with this surgery. Knowing that I always have Complications. I was blessed to have two doctors I really trust and found out why I have complications like i do. I have a condition that makes healing very hard to do. Its called EDS (Ehlers-Danlos syndrome) . My surgery took 9hrs when it should have been 2hr. I had scar tissue wrapped around everything. Which explained a lot. I had to stay an extra day in the hospital to make sure that my bowl was not perforated during surgery. The scar tissue was strangling my bowl. Which explains why I couldn't go to the bathroom at times. 

 

And all this brings me to today. In 2002 I was in a car accident. My left shoulder and my lower mid back was injured in the accident. In 2003 they fixed my shoulder . In that surgery I mysteriously got chemical burns. That resulted it another surgery to remove the badly damaged skin in my arm pit area. My back has given me problems on and off over the years. I recently had a really bad flare to the point i could not walk. My primary thought it would be good to check out my spinal disk since the last image was in 2002. Well i had an MRI on Monday January 23, 2017.  This was supposed to be no big deal. I scheduled to have my shunt reset as usual after an MRI . My shunt is a programmable shunt and can be affected by the MRI magnates since the shunt is programmed to adjust with a magnate. It has a magnate that moves inside for adjustment. I was told that this shunt would be with me for life. Unless i had some kind of accident that caused blunt trauma to the shunt damaging it. After my MRI i went to neurosurgery to have it reset . It only takes about 10 seconds to do. They put this large looking computer mouse over my shunt and set it to my setting of 80 and push the button. Well for the first time ever its not responding. They try over and over and over.  The doctor has the nurse go get the machine from the hospital . Maybe the machine is broken? I just don't know. The machine arrives from the hospital. We give it a go and the same thing happens. So now they send me to X-ray to check if they can see the setting. I end up having to go get X-rays twice. They confirm that the shunt is not at my setting of 80. Its at 140. Once again we try the machine over and over and over. So now they call the implant rep that works with the machines. Maybe this doctor is doing it wrong I'm thinking to myself. My doctor is not in today. The rep shows up with a new machine and an extra strong magnet . Still nothing. At this point they tell me its broken and I need to have another brain surgery to replace my shunt. Im in the office having a full out P.T.S.D. Moment. I never prepared myself for the shunt just to randomly break. This was not supposed to happen. And they just keep saying to me this is so rare. Im tired of being rare. Im told all the time Im a medical rarity. Im waiting to hear when this is going to happen. As you all know now. Im really scared. Im scared i wont come home. Im scared this will be it. Right now I'm scared. A million thoughts running through my mind all at once. Thanks for caring and taking the time to read my story. Much love ❤️.

 

1-30-17

UPDATE:  Friday i talked to my doctor and the surgery is not as invasive as i thought. I thought the whole shunt as if it were one piece. Apparently its not one whole long piece.  The tubing is universal and can be disconnected from the device itself. Which I'm so happy to find out. I also got the lovely package with all the beautiful clothing. I can thank you enough. I have some pre op pictures of my new lovely clothing. And i will be sure to share photos of post op. Today i had my pre op physical and got the call late afternoon that my surgery is set for this Thursday to be there at 7am and surgery starts at 9am. Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and prayers.

 

Update April 12,2017 

After the fifth surgery I was doing great. Its the FIRST surgery I've ever had that I did not have complications. I spoak too soon. Well, the sixth-seventh day into post op I saw the doctor for staple removal. He wanted to wait. He said it needed longer healing time. I questioned him for a while about the profile that this shunt had. My last one was like setting a weird finger under the skin on my skull. This time it was like a hill or a mound on my head and was covering a much larger area. I also had a low grade fever. I think it was infection the whole time giving the shunt that appearance. That night after dinner I noticed my ear was hot and I had swelling behind it. That night about 2am I awoke with fluid coming out . So on Valentine's Day I was back in for a total removal of the replacement shunt and all my original tubing. So after the removal I was put on IV antibiotics for six weeks for the infection. I have been down that road before. Im happy it was IV this time. Pills for infections like this will destroy your intestines . It took a year and a half from the first time I got infection from the four surgeries in 2010 to heal my intestines . Anyway.... As it stands I feel blessed and feel that this was Devine intervention that this happened. Im currently free of my low grade headaches that I had all day every day since my 2010 journey . I still get headaches but not the constant one that never stoped. I thought this was something I was going to live with forever. I thought it was just from all the trauma from the first four surgeries and nothing I could do about it. I thought it was apart of "my new normal" It never occurred to me the shunt was causing that. I don't know why I didn't think of that.  It makes sense now. I have been dealing with now a whole new set of symptoms I've never had before. My doctor said he has never had anyone experience what I'm going through now. So my new symptoms are baffling him. I have an Increase in chiari headaches . When I'm in bed Laying down to sleep,  I can just simply roll over and I will have a chiari headache. I Wake up having major chiari headaches. Sometimes is multiple times a night. But, Here is the baffling one. It happens when I'm sitting. When I get up from sitting I have a tremendous amount of pressure in my lower back and it feels like a chiari headache in my low spine. When it releases I feel a traveling sensation going up my spine to my head. When it reaches the brain stem it starts a chiari headache. Sometimes it will just affect my lower spine and not cause the chiari headache to happen. Also when I'm sitting and I get up it doesn't always happen immediately . It can be a minute to three mins after I have stood up from sitting . As I get further out from the total removal of my shunt (the sixth surgery) the instances do seem to be decreeing with time. As I can only Pray this will continue to be the trend . I had a MRI to make sure that no tethered cord or syrinx has developed. For now I'm in the clear. Im very thankful for my new lease on life. My life has always been a roller coaster when it comes to my medical needs. Im very blessed when it comes to my family who supports me and has been there through thick and thin of it all. You can see real quickly who cares for you and for those who do not . Luckily it wasn't many that showed them true selves. Family is so important to me. My husband is my rocking chair. My kids, husband , parents, family are what I live for. Through this journey I found out even if you are ready to go home to be with god, he may not be ready for you to come home. You still have things to do. Its not necessarily your choice when you get to come home. You will get to come home when he is ready for you. Right now I'm just going day by day. But that what I always done since 2010. I try to help others through my support groups here on Facebook. I try to be helpful and spread love and kindness through all my groups. One of my groups I ask people to give back to our chiari community. The way that I like to give back to our community is by sending out chiari bracelets that I make by hand for free. Ive had to take a break, but I feel maybe its time to do it again. My road is not a straight, flat or perfect one. My road is definitely a curvy 4 wheeling trail road. It has rocks and boulders, it goes up and down but always climbing to the top where its exquisitely beautiful and It's all mine and Im content with it. At one time in my life I wish it all never happened. But now, I wouldn't change it!