- Bipolar Disorder
- Interviews
RI's interview
How did all start?
When I figure out now I knew it started long time ago, back when I was a child having bad childhood and difficult times I didn’t know which psychological disease it was I thought that I was depressed and aiming to suicide just because I hate my life among my family and how bad my brothers use to treat me mostly my other said you are imagining no I was not she didn’t want to make it more difficult between us saying they are very bad brothers and dad and step mother my mother divorced when I was six and seems that my father divorced me with her I went back to live with him when I was 10 I lived there 5 years it was when I wanted to suicide but I couldn’t even living with my mom was a bit hard as she was a young lady recently divorced and got nothing from her ex except few diseases she still suffer from them till now , was not that easy to start a new life again In a society like Morocco with a daughter and 2 sons my dad got married again after my mother of 1 year and my mother didnt find any chance to tell what’s on her mind and heart to anyone as everybody else were busy with there lives so there was me she told me everything she narrated the whole story of dad and her ev3n when I was not born yet i just suddenly turned up to know every single detail when I was six
I grew up day by day and life was never easy it was at age of 12 when I loved a celebrity and decided to hunt him I have researched about everything that is about him his nationality, own country, language and then the story with London started and it was then when I lot of things changed I changed my view to life changed I then wanted to make a future to could possibly travel to London and meet him and I did come to London but he got a baby now
I write mostly I study interior design in it was my passion since my 14’s I work hard hard to couple possibly help myself with expenses and uni fees that my mother is paying but my dad is not he probably forget most of the times that he got a daughter until he got that all from me as a reminder, I never blamed my mom because in a young age I was already feeling what she used to feel and im trying to make a great move in my life in interior design industry in case I’ll die young as I always have that feeling of dying young
Do you already have a diagnosis? How long did it take you to get it?
I haven’t been diagnosed from a professional, it was that day when we were all sitting around that table during quarantine in a friend house who turned up later to be such a big fake person, when that guy who liked me a lot and had a conversation with me minutes before and analysed the change of mood that just happened in front of his eyes,he said I think you have a bipolar disorder I laughed and looked away months later with all these problems happening I decided to read about it more and I went through it slowly I went through every single detail I went through biographies of people having it and suddenly got that , okey it was not a change of mood it was actually the symptoms, the depression periods, the obsession periods, the opposites in my personality... and I made a 4 or 5 pages of what I got, from insomnia and being a zombie alive to hâte of seeing people and that sudden change of mood when I just wanna do everything that is differently different
From the depression I get and hate to go out or even let the sun go through those curtains to the note of my high voice laughing and yelling among a group of strangers .
For what medical specialties have you been treated? What has been the most useful specialty for your?
I haven’t been treated I was trying to help myself as I got no one but me
I was thinking to myself you don’t wanna start you 20s with doctors and medication leave it to your 30s at least that’s a 10 year afterwards
Although I so time try to treat my insomnia with some sleeping pills and most of the time they don’t work sometimes they effect me for 4 hours and then I wake up sometimes not
Some periods insomnia finds its way out and I just feel like I wanna spend 1 month sleeping and they come those nights when I cry myself out to sleep but I don’t actually sleep
What has been the most useful thing for you so far?
Say to myself you gotta make that dream come true, interior design industry needs someone like you, you can do it you’re the best
You have to survive people like you were born creative to l3ave something for the world you Cannot just be a passenger in this life, you should have a much more worth in life than just a person who was born to live miserably and then die calmly
What have been your biggest difficulties?
Also same as before, although saying those talks to encourage myself as no one else can do it for me, these same encouragement are mostly hard to say when you just wanna curve and cry or curve and die
When you have to work hard and even harder find1st job 2nd one be good as a student be amazing as a daughter and not disappoint friends and always be in service
The fact that you actually just want to move far away and leave all behind or at least pause the world for few days and it seems to be not solved
How has your social and family environment reacted? Have your social or family relationships changed?
No one knows I cannot
And I feel that they won’t care
People back home country only believe one is not fine when one is sleeping in that room in a hospital surrounded by machines
What things have you stopped doing?
Trust
I don’t wanna trust anymore I can’t
I don’t wanna talk to all those people just because they’re on my social media account
Sometimes what I wish for is to stop being so kind and friendly even when I don’t want to
What do you think about the future?
Future is bright but I will not change , I am going to realise all those dreams but I will be sick and even more I may die In my 30s or I may break down and stay in a hospital
I don’t know but I am surviving for those dreams only
So far, which years have been the best years in your life? What have you done during them?
2019 it was the year when I finally got to London after long wait and I had a good summer in London although problem and heartbreak and depression never finished but it was lovely on same same year I came back to London when I was losing hope to come again
But 2019 so far could count as good year In my life
What would you like to do if you didn’t have your condition?
It’s related to my past and my family what can I do if I didn’t have my condition it’s still not the worst thing in the world although one day it will be maybe but I’m still fighting
If you had to describe your life in a sentence, what would it be?
I don’t know but what I would say is
Family life is à base and if you have an amazing childhood you are lucky enough to build up a life on top of that base
I would say that even strong souls needs another soul sometimes
Finally, what advice would you give to a person in a similar situation?
I’m not sure what I can tell you but you gotta do what you wanna do and if you don’t have any dreams make some I think there’re the only hope we live for
