My Journey

---

There's a lot of talk out there about mental health, and i wanted to share my story about being diagnosed BiPolar I am your average guy, completed my engineering degree, had a job out of school. Things were looking bright. Over the course of a year stress was piling on from every angle in my life, personal stresses, work stresses. It got so bad that i had my first ever manic episode. For those of you who don't know, to be manic is to experience a feeling of pure euphoria, grand ideas, feelings of grandeur. Your self confidence is so high, you act in ways you never would. When youre manic you also stop sleeping, i didn't sleep for about 3 days, and drove my body to exhaustion. Its not that i didn't want to sleep, my brain just didn't let me. Probably the worst part of it all, was the complete lack of awareness that something is wrong, you gotta remember that when you're manic you're extremely happy, and who doesn't want to be happy. I believed that what i was going through is normal and everyone goes through it. My dad who works for the same company realized that my behaviour was unordinary and took me home. I ended up going on short term disability to which I'm still on to this day. After the mania subsided, i entered into a depression but i was still functioning. As summer came to an end, i went to a festival where i took ecstasy for the first time, it was a terrible mistake as i went i to a state of psychosis and have very limited memory of what happened. I do remember wandering the streets of downtown calgary all night (again not able to sleep), i was extremely paranoid. When you're psychotic, you basically live in a hallucination. Very intense. So what happened next, i was fortunately driven home by my partner and friend, when i got home i was so exhausted i was simply collapsing on the ground. An ambulance came and picked me up, where i spent 3 days in uofa emergency, i barely remember this. Then i was transferred to the Grey Nuns hospital where i spent a month in the psychiatric ward. There i was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder. Another aspect of BiPolar, besides being so happy, is the terrible, deep, black depression that sets in. I was fortunate my deepest depression only lasted 3 days. During this time all i thought about was dying, i remember my psychiatrist asked me what i was feeling. I told her i feel like i just want it to end. I remember telling her i just want there to be a button i could press to die, or be in a head on collision with a truck. I didn't think there was any hope. If there's anything i would like to get across to anyone feeling suicidal. What you're feeling and thinking is just a state of mind, and things do get better. After i was discharged from hospital i had a lighter depression that persisted for about 3-4 months. Ive since gotten much better, i take my medications regularly and my mood disorder is completely manageable. I want to bring to light my experiences so people may get a better understanding of mental health and BiPolar in particular. At the end of the day, i fought the hardest battle ive ever had to fight and im proud to say ive come out a better stronger person. Remember, when you walk past people you only get to see there face, not their struggles.