EHS - Not giving up

---

I was worrying about all the WiFi and smartphones and new antennas. Just felt this is stupid and crazy. But I had my family, friends, a boyfriend and a life. I even thought that topic is just interesting and I want to engage. Then I lost everything I had. Because we moved to a flat I couldnt sleep anymore. I became so sensitive I could feel every single active smartphone behind my back. I was close to just fall down and die when they brought me to hospital. For mental diseases. I was afraid as hell and so lonely. My body could slowly regenerate although there was a lot of small exposure. But without sleeping next to big antennas I could regenerate. But most important for me was to get in contact with family and friends again, being part of my life again. And fight my fear. These things were even sometimes more important. Its a big balance of all those things. I was suprised I could tell my body to accept a little bit. I was suprised I could feel love with my people although we are in a way so far from each other. Right know I start being honest about this topic in public and relationships. It is hard sometimes and fearing all of us. But again it is balance. I try to show them my love and spend good times as much as possible with them. It feels not real in a way but right now after two years of happy "normal" life again I cant ignore my sleeping place went too bad and for a new job I need to take the subway. Since then I feel bad again. Just weak. When I sleep at a better place I feel like a new myself. It is that simple but I dont know how to manage. All this shitty circumstances made me be a happy woman. I feel so strong and healthy as never before in my life. Normal problems dont make me fear anymore. Im nervous because I need to find a new flat / job / live somewhere and I dont know where exactly. But I am looking forward to find a solution and to be able to stay in contact with my people. To invite them to my new home. To be stronger again and have more time with them and also for being there for them. I am both. I am happy as hell. Strong and I have so many good relationships, stronger than before. I enjoy life so much. On the other side I feel life is breaking down as well as relationships and the whole world, I am so sad and desperate I could die, I am so angry and want to fight as well as give up. But I dont give up my dream. Relationships I dont need to hide, I can be all the happy myself and a place to settle down. I need to be honest. I really need this right now and some hugs. But this is what I want to tell others. It is worth it. Faith. Allthough I just cry too much at the moment. But I learned it when my world crashed the first time. It is possible to laugh and enjoy moments even when you are all down. And it is possible to have faith without seeing any reason for faith. I am not very religious but I know what faith means now.
And I like doing boxing, skateboarding, good music, dancing, playing cards with friends, cooking, having barbecue, reading good books, going to the lake, there are moments everyday I feel really happy and not lonely. I am really thankful for these things. And I also know there will always be something nice in life, no matter what happens. Once the only wonderful thing was watching the stars all by myself not knowing if my body is able to carry me one more day. I once decided myself not to kill myself. It is just not possible to go on living without being happy too. It is funny. Just have no other choice. And in this way it made my life so much more intense. And maybe even better. Worse, too. But even better, too. Even wonderful :-)