PMDD - the story of my life

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I've been affected with PMDD from day one - my Mum had it and would have pretty bad episodes. She'd leave the house for hours and hours with no contact and that, combined with her episodes would frighten me as a child.  I started my periods early at 10 years old and i started with symptoms around 11 or 12. I can't remember exactly as it was severe PMT then, PMDD didn't exist then! I only got diagnosed at 31 - after my Mum had passed away. I so wish she was alive to know that her condition had a name. It has caused us nothing but problems - relationship breakdowns, career problems and it's even delayed me having children as the symptoms have got worse in my mid thirties and i don't want to pass that down the genetic line or have a child witness my breakdowns. In the last two years the intensity of my episodes has intensified. The rage is worse and the suicidal thoughts are way more. I am never violent to anyone but myself and this never happened before. Now, i will scratch myself until i bleed and literally punch myself in the head. I have contemplated stabbing myself with anything close to hand but never seem to go that far. I've fantasised about the hosepipe in the car and paracetamols, but luckily i manage to 'hold out' until the wave passes, i cry until exhaustion and then i sleep. After that i try to be as solitary as possible until the PMDD phase is out and i get my period. Exercise can intensify it at the wrong time. The only thing that seems to work in lessening the symptoms is a ketogenic diet and macca powder. Its hard because i crave carbohydrates at certain times, like a drug addict, but i have to override it otherwise this curse will win every time. 

This is one of the most horrible and most misunderstood conditions for mental health. It is a catch 22 situation - there are not enough diagnoses because not enough people know about it, there is no research because there are not enough people that have it  - probably because there is not enough information - because there is not enough research! 

I have had questions like - 'can't you just think positively?'. There is no answer to this. When i am 'sane', i am super happy, bubbly, gregarious and outgoing. I love life, dance, sing, laugh etc. When i have PMDD i am depressed, angry, anxious, scared, furious, raging. confused, foggy, exhausted, swollen, wound up like a spring, discombobulated, disconnected, hypersensitive, defensive. I cannot think 'properly' and therefore 'thinking positively' is nigh-on impossible. 

I will keep going with my recovery with this and i will continue to try to improve my life and that of my husband's. He is an absolute rock. He puts up with a tremendous amount and although i thank him for his support after the fact - it still hurts him every time, and yes, he does get frustrated. I've even told him to find someone else, but he won't go!

To whomever is reading this - whether you have PMDD, are a health professional, a relative, friend etc, please continue the support and care with this. Us ladies with this cursed condition really do not mean what we say or do when 'Hormona' (my PMDD alter ego) is here. She is horrible and not one of us can stand her. Thank you.