From extreme pulling to now

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I wrote this to all my friends on facebook in mid-2016. Not much has changed since then:
Unless you knew me as a child or young teenager, you've only known me wearing hats or with a shaved head in my Uni days. Many of you know the medical reason for this, but for those who don't, it's called trichotillomania, an impulse control disorder where I pull my own hair out. Yes, very weird. I know.
It started in earnest when I was eight or nine, although I have a random memory of doing so when I was around three. I've read pretty much everything there is to read about it and it is widely believed to be associated with underlying anxiety. Which bugs me, because I’m one of the least anxious, most carefree people I know. I just can’t stop pulling my hair out. And if you think that’s nutty, I think it’s even nuttier!
I was taken from psychologist to psychiatrist as a young teen, prayed for, encouraged to ‘pull myself together’ and given powerful pills to dose up on, (which I ended up breaking into tiny pieces and washing down the sink because I felt they were stealing my personality.)
At age 15, I ran out of hair to cover up the growing bald patches, so got government funding for an ugly-as wig which I stuck out with until a few months after I went to University, when I gleefully shaved my head and lived it up as a cap-wearing arty-weird person. :)
Caps were replaced with scarves as I grew up a little more and I continued to struggle daily, in secret, with this terrible disorder.
Yes, I’ve prayed. Yes, I’ve tried cognitive behaviour techniques. I even allowed someone to try and hypnotise me! The longest ‘pull-free’ stretch I ever managed was about two weeks, once.
So for those who struggle with addictions, mental illness and not understanding the ‘WHY’s of everything, I may not have told you why, but I DO empathise and, because of this weirdness, relate in some way.
I got to the point where I accepted that this was my lot, sadly but contentedly. I have appreciated how it has kept me humble - I’ve had a lot of success in various things but I’ve never been able to think of myself more highly than others, (good,) because a little voice reminds me that, ‘you pull your hair out - hello, big-shot!’ And I genuinely believe this disorder has helped me be a kinder, more accepting person towards others.
And now for the turn of events....
In this contented but still dealing daily with trichotillomania phase, I met someone. We connected and he cared. He didn’t look at me funny when he discovered about my hair. (His being a doctor probably helps there.) And he said he’d stand by me as I battled it. So I said I’d try again.
And it stopped.
Just like that.
And I haven’t pulled my hair out.... or wanted to.... even a little bit.... NO IMPULSE to...
FOR NEARLY FIVE MONTHS!
And I’m still in shock at how easy it’s been. It’s like a switch has been switched. From having this unexplainable, uncontrollable disorder, to just not. To being completely normal in that regard.
My hair is starting to grow. Slowly and haphazardly, because there’s over 30 years of damage to make up for. But it is growing. They say it might take two years and still not be completely normal-looking, but I’ll take what I can get! And one day I might throw off the headscarf and make a new profile picture and you’ll understand what a big deal it is.
So there’s my little story for you today. I’m not going to moralise and say that because a happy ending is starting to be woven for me, that’s expected for everyone. I’m well aware that sucky stuff happens that we can never explain.
But I wanted to share my happy with you, whether this is the end of it or not. And hoping for ‘happys’ for each one of you, in whichever area you need them.
 
 
 
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Back to now, mid 2017. I wish I could say I was 100% pull free. The grey and kinked hairs sometimes get me. But I'm talking about pulling a couple of hairs a week and being able to stop myself, as opposed to having hours on end of trance-like pulling sessions. Alas, my hair has not recovered fully yet and may never because of the years of damage done to it. But I am so happy with how I'm going now.